THE NORTH POLE CRISIS
use your imagination,
or someone else will
The North Pole Crisis synopsis
A man emerges from the shadows to help a lost child. He says his name is Santa and then he explains why he is in hiding. In a series of flashbacks he tells the tale of how a controversy arose over ownership of the area known as the North Pole. Nations and corporations started claiming possession of the region. The implication being that great profits were to be made by identifying with this enduring symbol at the top of the world. He relates how the United Nations formulated a compromise to officially appease each of the disputing parties. But this compromise would never fly, especially because it left Santa out in the cold to face the 'modern' world alone.
Flashbacks concluded, he thanks the child for listening. Murmurs of "Santa" start to haunt the elderly man. He tries to flee from the sounds. The Child disappears. Santa runs into the darkness. The sounds get more chaotic, surrealistic. Finally the light returns and finds Santa asleep in his chair; his reindeer are trying to wake him from his nightmare. Santa wakes with a start. It is Christmas Eve.
characters:
SANTA
CHILD
CAROL JOY, flashback reporter
GLORIA JOY, flashback reporter
NOEL BOARSHEAD, Wall Street profit analyst
HOLLY IVY, U. N. reporter
INEXELSISDEO, U. N. Secretary General
RUDY, leader of protestors
3 Protestors at the U.N.
(Carol, Noel, Gloria actors double parts)
ANNOUNCER, (voice only) at studio
SCENES
Concurrent scenes involve Santa and Child on a park bench while his flashbacks are reenacted and reported from a television studio. His last flashback takes place in a public conference room at the United Nations. In the final scene, Santa awakes in his own living room.
Spot lighting will switch back 'n forth between park bench scene and studio set.
Approximate performance time: 35 minutes
Set props: park bench, News Cast desk for two/three, podium, Santa's throne.
PROPS: ragged blanket, artificial snow, three Placards "NORTH POLE CRISIS" (small; bold; enormous), globe, microphone, UN sign, podium, reindeer poster, large flat stone/slate tablet, reins, bells, Christmas ornaments.
THE NORTH POLE CRISIS
In a city park.
Spot on Child who is looking for something.
In the corner, a voice:
MAN: Hey kid, over here.
Child goes to the shadowed area where the voice came from.
The man is wrapped under a blanket.
MAN: You lost or something? Tough times, huh?
CHILD: What's your name?
MAN: My name's Santa Claus, but don't tell any one.
CHILD: I won't.
SANTA: Come, sit.
Child sits.
Are you scared?
Child nods as man continues.
SANTA: Me too. Can you believe what's happening? Want to know a secret? Yeah? Well, I'll tell you. I found the secret of life a long time ago: You must have dreams, a vision. That's the secret of life.
Child nods.
However, it's the secret of living that has given me problems. Those everyday compromises conspire to destroy the vision. Understand?
Child nods, yawns.
SANTA: I thought I was doing fine until a little offhanded remark...
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 1
CAROL: This is Carol Joy at News Center. Earlier today renowned Wall Street profit analyst Noel Boarshead predicted doom and gloom on the futures market, ending his statement with, quote, "You'd have to go to the North Pole to find anything worth investing in these days." End of quote.
SANTA: (mimicking announcer) "You'd have to go to the North Pole to find anything worth investing in these days."And then -- whoosh! -- All of the soft seams of sanity started unraveling. And my misery began...
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 2
GLORIA: Tass reports that the Kremlin is attempting dialogue with the North Pole and inviting it to join it's newly realigned Republic. Tass reports that the Kremlin has always considered this area as part of it's territory.
CAROL: And just minutes ago, Washington confirmed that the North Pole had been included as part of the 1865 Alaska purchase from Russia. Meanwhile, Peace Corp troops are being put on alert for possible deployment in the region.
GLORIA: The Canadian government issued a harshly worded statement flatly refusing to acknowledge both the U.S. and the Russian claims to the area, warning them to "Cease and desist from our territory."
CAROL: The British Prime Minister has just announced, and I quote,
"It was never our intention to release claim to the North Pole when we graciously granted Canada its independence from Great Britain a few years ago. Britannia has never relinquished control of this most important area. Let this serve as a reminder to the international community as well."
GLORIA is handed a note.
GLORIA:This just in, "Tokyo announced it will absorb any nation's debt to them if that nation will cede the North Pole to the Japanese."
More news as the situation warrants. This is Gloria Joy in New York.
SANTA: You see, with the global communications of today the tiniest
bit of news can turn into a major story in minutes. And that's
what happened. Everybody's hungry for distraction. I guess people try to find things to fill in the emptiness they feel. You warm enough? (he shares blanket with child) There. I tried gifts, but that got way out of hand. A gift is just a gesture, a token of passage through someone else's life. It fills in for you when you cannot be 'present'.
Thus the word, present. Understand? You awake?
Child nods.
I'll have to find another way to touch people now. But even to say touch is to raise eyebrows.
We're out of touch. I can't even say I like children -- you get that look, you know? The world's gone bonkers.
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 3
A "The North Pole Crisis" sign rests in front of the reporters.
GLORIA: Exxon Corporation is seeking an injunction at the International Court in The Hague to prevent any nation from laying claims to the region commonly known as the North Pole. The company claims that oil it spilled in the area is proof of its residency and its long range intentions and that Exxon is entitled to at least squatters rights
over the neglected area.
CAROL: Meanwhile, Denmark has petitioned the United Nations to make a ruling in this matter. The Danes are contending that they alone have, quote, "Absolute sovereignty over this region adjacent to our vacation paradise colony in lovely Greenland."
GLORIA: At the U. N., the Secretary General is rumored to be drawing up a compromise resolution that would appease each of the parties involved in the on-going and potentially dangerous North Pole Crisis.
SANTA: Sounds like greed to me. First they take all they can, then
they'll go after your dreams. That's why I'm hiding. You comfortable?
People are not good OR bad. People are good AND bad. That's the
problem. When I was your age every time I was called good, I wasn't
necessarily feeling that way. I was just trying to please others.
Compromising. Most often to be good in other's eyes is to be blind in our own.
Live your own life, not someone else's -- which works out fine in
your own home, but the minute you step out that door, wham,
the world's a lead balloon...
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 4
Fragment of dramatic music cue leads in.
A larger NORTH POLE CRISIS sign appears.
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt our programming for this special bulletin:
THE NORTH POLE CRISIS. Here is our correspondent, Carol Joy.
CAROL: We have with us Noel Boarshead, Wall Street profit analyst. Mr. Boarshead, can you tell us what this North Pole scenario might be leading to?
BOARSHEAD: Carol, the main thing is public relations. I would think a renaming of Santa's reindeer might be a positive, multinational, affirmative action, gender equity gesture.
GLORIA: But could it fly?
BOARSHEAD: I doubt it, but that's the nature of compromise.
CAROL: That may appease the countries involved, but -- is that the end?
BOARSHEAD: If there is a ruling on who actually owns the North Pole, the awarded party might very well be able to copyright and patent all Christmas material. Corporations take note.
GLORIA: That would mean a sleighful of money for someone...
BOARSHEAD: Exactly.
CAROL: Thank you, Mr. Boarshead. (to audience) Stay tuned.
SANTA: Are you following this? The new profit with the false visions.
"Corporations take note." (shakes head, dismayed) People listen and react....
You in school? You've got to learn to articulate your own profoundness.
We're all profound, all of us, it's just a matter of communicating it outside of ourselves.
School will educate you in how to do it. Stay in school.
What is your problem? I'm telling you mine. Family trouble?
CHILD: It's my birthday.
SANTA: Ah, it's hell to have a birthday right at Christmas.
Get screwed from all the distractions. Should be your day.
(Rudy, down and almost out, shuffles by.)
Hey, Rudy.(Santa watches him pass, then continues.)
Everybody has problems, everyone. It's only when you realize this, really realize this, that everyone has problems, that is when your own problems are less of a burden. And besides, troubles are our common link. In fact troubles are responsible for uniting people in the first place. The need for help, to work together, to survive, you know, the common cause. Well, let me continue...
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 5
With full dramatic music cue intro.
Huge NORTH POLE CRISIS sign on set.
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt our programming for this special bulletin:
THE NORTH POLE CRISIS. Here is our correspondent, Carol Joy.
CAROL: At least five unmentioned corporations have filed a joint suit
for five billion dollars in New York district court against any U.N. resolution that would legally distribute ownership of the North Pole and all things North Polean.
GLORIA: However, indications are that they would drop the suit if this U.N. compromise is reached and they are able to carry a new North Pole Logo on all of their products, "...to help in any way possible the plight of humanity."
BOARSHEAD: (smirks) Humanity!
CAROL: Noel Boarshead, what do you think is happening?
BOARSHEAD: The situation is getting out of hand. If corporations join in the fray I see great possibilities ahead.
GLORIA: Once again, for those who've just joined us -- (using globe) This is the area of dispute, right here. Latitude 90 degrees North, longitude 0 degrees.
CAROL: Noel, is the North Pole more complex than it appears?
BOARSHEAD: Yes, indeed.
GLORIA: Who owns it? Or, who would want to own it?
BOARSHEAD: As we can see, many many people believe in its value. It's not a nation per se, it's imagination, which makes it open to relentless profiteering and manipulation. To control The North Pole is, in many respects, a crowning achievement.
CAROL: If the U.N. is involved, we must take this seriously.
GLORIA: We expect a News Conference from there very shortly.
This is Gloria Joy, in New York.
It has started snowing on Santa and Child.
SANTA: I hope I haven't let you down. I'm not one to run away from
trouble, but I didn't have much choice. They were slicing me up.
It's like trying to cut up a heart, -- the pieces might be even, but they won't beat anymore.
Look, (pointing to his heart) Santa is here. Santa is right in here --
a plump, jolly, full of life fellow, filled with the magic that unlocks doors,
turns houses into homes, and warms neighbors and neighborhoods.
This is the magnet of intimacy. The soul's compass -- always attracted to the north --
(points to his head) the top of the world is here, right up here. No one should ever be allowed to border it, nor attempt tocontrol it. Though I fear this has happened to a great degree. The top of the world -- that's where we all belong. And that's what they're after...
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 6
CAROL: Informed sources say that U.N. Secretary General Inexelsisdeo has reached a compromise. Gloria...
GLORIA: The reconfiguring of the reindeer. The obstacle in the package seems to be who will lead the team.
CAROL: Yes, the implications are far more reaching now than just five minutes ago. Isn't that right, Noel?
BOARSHEAD: The Santa legend originally came from Asia Minor. This would indicate this crisis is about to spill over into the Middle East.
Carol and Gloria glance at each other, concerned.
CAROL: It's hard to believe this is happening.
Messenger hands Gloria a note.
BOARSHEAD: It sure is. AND the Dutch also have a stake in this.
Not only is the World Court in their backyard, but they also have a legitimate claim on the ancestral heritage of Sinter Klaus, whom we've come to market as Santa Claus.
GLORIA: This just in. Germany has also petitioned the U.N. for inclusion into this apparent U.N. resolution, claiming their Nordic gods have always had dominion over the area in question.
BOARSHEAD: I'm not surprised.
CAROL: Stay tuned, we'll be going live to the U.N. for a direct report on the settlement.
Santa and Child are covered with snow.
SANTA: I'm almost finished ... maybe it's love that's lacking. (He demonstrates) On one hand, there's the spirit; on the other, there's the material. Love links the two together. It helps us to soar, yet it keeps us grounded. It helps us to hold on to heaven and earth simultaneously. It is the grip of health and wholeness. We're losing that grip. Understand?
People don't want homes anymore, they want houses. Just a good investment with a large rental unit. Let someone else pay the mortgage. Understand what I'm saying?
Leaders want better jobs (for themselves), better friends, better money, better clothes, and -- a better world? Peace? No! They want to be better than everyone else. I'm not going to play into that anymore. I'm taking a different route.
If you don't mind me saying so, everybody's crazy, nuts.
And they all look so sane. It's very disillusioning. Why put up with it? I think people are like candy bars. A fine sweet coating covers nuts.
I just want you to know I'm trying. Things said now may have an effect later. Little seeds among the weeds. Let me finish...
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 7
Gloria in Studio; Holly and others at U.N.
GLORIA: Let's go live to the United Nations, our correspondent, Holly Ivy. Holly...
The U.N. room is crowded with protestors who've come to voice their complaints over the North Pole Crisis. Rudy is the leader.
HOLLY: Good evening. Rumors of the settlement have swept down these halls like a janitor on speed
GLORIA: Any major problems, Holly?
HOLLY: Well I must say, Gloria, a few people were here thinking this was an Oliver North poll of some sort.
GLORIA: Must be hectic.
HOLLY: Yes indeed.
GLORIA: What's the feeling of the crowd, Holly?
HOLLY: Let's see. (She turns toward Rudy) Excuse me sir,what do you think about this major compromise?
As Holly sticks the mic into Rudy's face, lights out on studio set.
RUDY: Stop trying to reinvent the wheel. Adjust it, yes, but don't try too many other angles other than what's been going on, or you won't go on.
Sure people want a square deal. But have you ever tried to roll along on a square wheel?
Protesters agree.
HOLLY: (to Protestor 1)What do you see happening?
PROTESTOR 1: Change is just a realignment of the ingredients that have already been in existence. Nothing's new, though we try to kid ourselves. This whole idea of new awareness stinks. No toy soldiers, no bow and arrows, no guns, all taboo now. Instead we have computer versions of the same damn thing. That's progress?
Protesters agree.
HOLLY:(to 2) And you?
PROTESTOR 2: I agree! It's like the issue of not using sugar to make candy. Nutra-sweet. Instead of dental cavities the kid's'll get liver cavities. Remember the powder formulas that were supposed to modernize our child rearing? Now most of those children have allergies. Remember asbestos? Modern mania madness.
Protesters agree.
HOLLY:(to 3) What's your view?
PROTESTOR 3: Each generation tries to flush the previous one away.
We're not toilets! I was thinking, the laws are there to protect me. Right?
Protect me from what? From other laws! We're spinning 'round right on down the drain!
We're promised champagne and we get draino!
Protesters applaud.
RUDY: We're killing off all of our uniqueness. There's
sameness, all cities are looking alike. All these divergent cultures are
making one big pot of overbearing mush. I want to puke. Christmas cleanses
the imagination, puts a sense of magic in the air. Don't smother it.
PROTESTER #1: Besides, the only time my family gets along is at Christmas time.
Need I say any more? Don't take that away.
Protesters applaud.
HOLLY:(to PROTESTOR #1) If you were a North Polean, which country would sway your way?
PROTESTOR #1: Well, Canada's got national health care. So I'd encourage that.
PROTESTOR #2: To hell with them all!
PROTESTOR #3: Not all tradition’s bad – and not all compromise is good.
Protesters applaud.
HOLLY: Gloria, here's the Secretary General!
Secretary General Inexelsisdeo arrives at the podium. Apprehensive, Inexelsisdeo carries a stone tablet with the new resolution. He posts a picture of a reindeer on the podium.
HOLLY: Gloria, I see the settlement is forthcoming.
THE ANNOUNCEMENT
SEC.GENERAL: Good evening. After great contemplation the U.N.
Security Council has reached an agreement and hopefully a resolution of the North Pole Crisis. Therefore: U.N. Resolution twelve twenty-five, Reindeer Ratification, is as follows:(Inexelsisdeo clears throat, reads the list)
Dasher, Dancer, Einar, Pierre; Sonia, Gretle, Amos, and Matsuko.
Crowd is disappointed.
RUDY: That doesn't even rhyme!
SEC.GENERAL: This will include: Four female and four male.
Eight nationalities.
Crowd grows discontented, hisses.
SEC.GENERAL: We've got a white, black, red, yellow, brown, tan, olive, and buff team.
Crowd starts sporadic booing.
SEC.GENERAL: (waits til noise dies down) The Team will include:
Two gays, two bisexuals, two heterosexuals, and two eunuch’s.
CROWD: Boo!
SEC.GENERAL: Exclusively sponsored to drink Minute Maid, wear Nike, eat MacDonald’s, pose for Kodak, and ride around in a Chrysler cab. Smoke signals courtesy of Phillip Morris.
CROWD: This is crazy!
SEC.GENERAL: And after great consideration, the driver will be --
(there's a marked hush in the room) Mohammed.
CROWD: Mo--what!?
SEC GENERAL: A world class team. Thank you.
RUDY: But it'll never fly!
SEC GENERAL: I'm sorry.
RUDY: U. N. is right! I am UNhappy and UNinspired. This is UNwise.
No wonder drugs are so popular, our imaginations have been bushwacked!
(Crowd is frenzied)
Christmas let's us fly! Christmas let's us fly! ...
CROWD: (joining the chant) Christmas let's us fly!...
The crowd chanting "Christmas let's us fly!" pushes toward Inexelsisdeo. The chanting continues and swells. Inexelsisdeo screams as if being attacked. All disappear behind curtain. Sound and lights fade.
SANTA:(sighs) Thanks for listening. Sorry if I bored you with my troubles. Are you warm enough?(Standing) They don't want me, fine. I slimmed down and everything. Weight proportionate to height, the whole bit. Walk instead of fly. I even look like the North Pole. What for? I've had it. From now on instead of giving a present I'm going to be a living present, open me if you'd like. In the meantime, let's go get some Ovaltine or whatever it is you drink. What's your name?
CHILD: J C.
SANTA: Well, Jessie --
CHILD: J. C.
SANTA: Well J C .... Come on, let's hit up some of these shoppers for some spare change -- they owe us.
They walk hand in hand. Two homeless innocents.
Murmurs of "Santa" start filling the room. He tries to ignore it,
but the sounds haunt him. Santa acts as if he's going out of his mind.
SANTA: Don’t let them get me!
The Child disappears. Santa starts running trying to escape, runs behind curtain.
The "Santa" chanting gets louder and more chaotic, more surreal.
Lights fade as "Santa" gets louder and more intense.
The CURTAIN opens.
THE NORTH POLE
Santa is sleeping in his chair. His legs are making the motion of running.
Rudy has been trying to wake him, calling "Santa."
Santa awakes with a start, for a second he fears the worst, then realizes he's been dreaming. He lets out an optimistic belly laugh.
SANTA: Oh oh oh ...! Santa just had a nightmare. Ho ho ho...
I'm not going to diet anymore. (He shakes his belly.)
RUDY: It's time Santa.
Rudy waits eagerly for Santa to take charge.
SANTA: Let's go my wonderful reindeer! (Santa grabs the reins.)
Rudy circles once around Santa, then disappears, pulling a jolly Santa on his merry way.
SANTA: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas Eve to all! And to all, hi, hi, hi!
Christmas lets us fly, fly, fly!! ...
CURTAIN
The North Pole Crisis, © 1990 by John Kirkmire, 2013 Kirkworkshop. All rights reserved
return to Plays page
use your imagination,
or someone else will
The North Pole Crisis synopsis
A man emerges from the shadows to help a lost child. He says his name is Santa and then he explains why he is in hiding. In a series of flashbacks he tells the tale of how a controversy arose over ownership of the area known as the North Pole. Nations and corporations started claiming possession of the region. The implication being that great profits were to be made by identifying with this enduring symbol at the top of the world. He relates how the United Nations formulated a compromise to officially appease each of the disputing parties. But this compromise would never fly, especially because it left Santa out in the cold to face the 'modern' world alone.
Flashbacks concluded, he thanks the child for listening. Murmurs of "Santa" start to haunt the elderly man. He tries to flee from the sounds. The Child disappears. Santa runs into the darkness. The sounds get more chaotic, surrealistic. Finally the light returns and finds Santa asleep in his chair; his reindeer are trying to wake him from his nightmare. Santa wakes with a start. It is Christmas Eve.
characters:
SANTA
CHILD
CAROL JOY, flashback reporter
GLORIA JOY, flashback reporter
NOEL BOARSHEAD, Wall Street profit analyst
HOLLY IVY, U. N. reporter
INEXELSISDEO, U. N. Secretary General
RUDY, leader of protestors
3 Protestors at the U.N.
(Carol, Noel, Gloria actors double parts)
ANNOUNCER, (voice only) at studio
SCENES
Concurrent scenes involve Santa and Child on a park bench while his flashbacks are reenacted and reported from a television studio. His last flashback takes place in a public conference room at the United Nations. In the final scene, Santa awakes in his own living room.
Spot lighting will switch back 'n forth between park bench scene and studio set.
Approximate performance time: 35 minutes
Set props: park bench, News Cast desk for two/three, podium, Santa's throne.
PROPS: ragged blanket, artificial snow, three Placards "NORTH POLE CRISIS" (small; bold; enormous), globe, microphone, UN sign, podium, reindeer poster, large flat stone/slate tablet, reins, bells, Christmas ornaments.
THE NORTH POLE CRISIS
In a city park.
Spot on Child who is looking for something.
In the corner, a voice:
MAN: Hey kid, over here.
Child goes to the shadowed area where the voice came from.
The man is wrapped under a blanket.
MAN: You lost or something? Tough times, huh?
CHILD: What's your name?
MAN: My name's Santa Claus, but don't tell any one.
CHILD: I won't.
SANTA: Come, sit.
Child sits.
Are you scared?
Child nods as man continues.
SANTA: Me too. Can you believe what's happening? Want to know a secret? Yeah? Well, I'll tell you. I found the secret of life a long time ago: You must have dreams, a vision. That's the secret of life.
Child nods.
However, it's the secret of living that has given me problems. Those everyday compromises conspire to destroy the vision. Understand?
Child nods, yawns.
SANTA: I thought I was doing fine until a little offhanded remark...
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 1
CAROL: This is Carol Joy at News Center. Earlier today renowned Wall Street profit analyst Noel Boarshead predicted doom and gloom on the futures market, ending his statement with, quote, "You'd have to go to the North Pole to find anything worth investing in these days." End of quote.
SANTA: (mimicking announcer) "You'd have to go to the North Pole to find anything worth investing in these days."And then -- whoosh! -- All of the soft seams of sanity started unraveling. And my misery began...
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 2
GLORIA: Tass reports that the Kremlin is attempting dialogue with the North Pole and inviting it to join it's newly realigned Republic. Tass reports that the Kremlin has always considered this area as part of it's territory.
CAROL: And just minutes ago, Washington confirmed that the North Pole had been included as part of the 1865 Alaska purchase from Russia. Meanwhile, Peace Corp troops are being put on alert for possible deployment in the region.
GLORIA: The Canadian government issued a harshly worded statement flatly refusing to acknowledge both the U.S. and the Russian claims to the area, warning them to "Cease and desist from our territory."
CAROL: The British Prime Minister has just announced, and I quote,
"It was never our intention to release claim to the North Pole when we graciously granted Canada its independence from Great Britain a few years ago. Britannia has never relinquished control of this most important area. Let this serve as a reminder to the international community as well."
GLORIA is handed a note.
GLORIA:This just in, "Tokyo announced it will absorb any nation's debt to them if that nation will cede the North Pole to the Japanese."
More news as the situation warrants. This is Gloria Joy in New York.
SANTA: You see, with the global communications of today the tiniest
bit of news can turn into a major story in minutes. And that's
what happened. Everybody's hungry for distraction. I guess people try to find things to fill in the emptiness they feel. You warm enough? (he shares blanket with child) There. I tried gifts, but that got way out of hand. A gift is just a gesture, a token of passage through someone else's life. It fills in for you when you cannot be 'present'.
Thus the word, present. Understand? You awake?
Child nods.
I'll have to find another way to touch people now. But even to say touch is to raise eyebrows.
We're out of touch. I can't even say I like children -- you get that look, you know? The world's gone bonkers.
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 3
A "The North Pole Crisis" sign rests in front of the reporters.
GLORIA: Exxon Corporation is seeking an injunction at the International Court in The Hague to prevent any nation from laying claims to the region commonly known as the North Pole. The company claims that oil it spilled in the area is proof of its residency and its long range intentions and that Exxon is entitled to at least squatters rights
over the neglected area.
CAROL: Meanwhile, Denmark has petitioned the United Nations to make a ruling in this matter. The Danes are contending that they alone have, quote, "Absolute sovereignty over this region adjacent to our vacation paradise colony in lovely Greenland."
GLORIA: At the U. N., the Secretary General is rumored to be drawing up a compromise resolution that would appease each of the parties involved in the on-going and potentially dangerous North Pole Crisis.
SANTA: Sounds like greed to me. First they take all they can, then
they'll go after your dreams. That's why I'm hiding. You comfortable?
People are not good OR bad. People are good AND bad. That's the
problem. When I was your age every time I was called good, I wasn't
necessarily feeling that way. I was just trying to please others.
Compromising. Most often to be good in other's eyes is to be blind in our own.
Live your own life, not someone else's -- which works out fine in
your own home, but the minute you step out that door, wham,
the world's a lead balloon...
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 4
Fragment of dramatic music cue leads in.
A larger NORTH POLE CRISIS sign appears.
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt our programming for this special bulletin:
THE NORTH POLE CRISIS. Here is our correspondent, Carol Joy.
CAROL: We have with us Noel Boarshead, Wall Street profit analyst. Mr. Boarshead, can you tell us what this North Pole scenario might be leading to?
BOARSHEAD: Carol, the main thing is public relations. I would think a renaming of Santa's reindeer might be a positive, multinational, affirmative action, gender equity gesture.
GLORIA: But could it fly?
BOARSHEAD: I doubt it, but that's the nature of compromise.
CAROL: That may appease the countries involved, but -- is that the end?
BOARSHEAD: If there is a ruling on who actually owns the North Pole, the awarded party might very well be able to copyright and patent all Christmas material. Corporations take note.
GLORIA: That would mean a sleighful of money for someone...
BOARSHEAD: Exactly.
CAROL: Thank you, Mr. Boarshead. (to audience) Stay tuned.
SANTA: Are you following this? The new profit with the false visions.
"Corporations take note." (shakes head, dismayed) People listen and react....
You in school? You've got to learn to articulate your own profoundness.
We're all profound, all of us, it's just a matter of communicating it outside of ourselves.
School will educate you in how to do it. Stay in school.
What is your problem? I'm telling you mine. Family trouble?
CHILD: It's my birthday.
SANTA: Ah, it's hell to have a birthday right at Christmas.
Get screwed from all the distractions. Should be your day.
(Rudy, down and almost out, shuffles by.)
Hey, Rudy.(Santa watches him pass, then continues.)
Everybody has problems, everyone. It's only when you realize this, really realize this, that everyone has problems, that is when your own problems are less of a burden. And besides, troubles are our common link. In fact troubles are responsible for uniting people in the first place. The need for help, to work together, to survive, you know, the common cause. Well, let me continue...
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 5
With full dramatic music cue intro.
Huge NORTH POLE CRISIS sign on set.
ANNOUNCER: We interrupt our programming for this special bulletin:
THE NORTH POLE CRISIS. Here is our correspondent, Carol Joy.
CAROL: At least five unmentioned corporations have filed a joint suit
for five billion dollars in New York district court against any U.N. resolution that would legally distribute ownership of the North Pole and all things North Polean.
GLORIA: However, indications are that they would drop the suit if this U.N. compromise is reached and they are able to carry a new North Pole Logo on all of their products, "...to help in any way possible the plight of humanity."
BOARSHEAD: (smirks) Humanity!
CAROL: Noel Boarshead, what do you think is happening?
BOARSHEAD: The situation is getting out of hand. If corporations join in the fray I see great possibilities ahead.
GLORIA: Once again, for those who've just joined us -- (using globe) This is the area of dispute, right here. Latitude 90 degrees North, longitude 0 degrees.
CAROL: Noel, is the North Pole more complex than it appears?
BOARSHEAD: Yes, indeed.
GLORIA: Who owns it? Or, who would want to own it?
BOARSHEAD: As we can see, many many people believe in its value. It's not a nation per se, it's imagination, which makes it open to relentless profiteering and manipulation. To control The North Pole is, in many respects, a crowning achievement.
CAROL: If the U.N. is involved, we must take this seriously.
GLORIA: We expect a News Conference from there very shortly.
This is Gloria Joy, in New York.
It has started snowing on Santa and Child.
SANTA: I hope I haven't let you down. I'm not one to run away from
trouble, but I didn't have much choice. They were slicing me up.
It's like trying to cut up a heart, -- the pieces might be even, but they won't beat anymore.
Look, (pointing to his heart) Santa is here. Santa is right in here --
a plump, jolly, full of life fellow, filled with the magic that unlocks doors,
turns houses into homes, and warms neighbors and neighborhoods.
This is the magnet of intimacy. The soul's compass -- always attracted to the north --
(points to his head) the top of the world is here, right up here. No one should ever be allowed to border it, nor attempt tocontrol it. Though I fear this has happened to a great degree. The top of the world -- that's where we all belong. And that's what they're after...
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 6
CAROL: Informed sources say that U.N. Secretary General Inexelsisdeo has reached a compromise. Gloria...
GLORIA: The reconfiguring of the reindeer. The obstacle in the package seems to be who will lead the team.
CAROL: Yes, the implications are far more reaching now than just five minutes ago. Isn't that right, Noel?
BOARSHEAD: The Santa legend originally came from Asia Minor. This would indicate this crisis is about to spill over into the Middle East.
Carol and Gloria glance at each other, concerned.
CAROL: It's hard to believe this is happening.
Messenger hands Gloria a note.
BOARSHEAD: It sure is. AND the Dutch also have a stake in this.
Not only is the World Court in their backyard, but they also have a legitimate claim on the ancestral heritage of Sinter Klaus, whom we've come to market as Santa Claus.
GLORIA: This just in. Germany has also petitioned the U.N. for inclusion into this apparent U.N. resolution, claiming their Nordic gods have always had dominion over the area in question.
BOARSHEAD: I'm not surprised.
CAROL: Stay tuned, we'll be going live to the U.N. for a direct report on the settlement.
Santa and Child are covered with snow.
SANTA: I'm almost finished ... maybe it's love that's lacking. (He demonstrates) On one hand, there's the spirit; on the other, there's the material. Love links the two together. It helps us to soar, yet it keeps us grounded. It helps us to hold on to heaven and earth simultaneously. It is the grip of health and wholeness. We're losing that grip. Understand?
People don't want homes anymore, they want houses. Just a good investment with a large rental unit. Let someone else pay the mortgage. Understand what I'm saying?
Leaders want better jobs (for themselves), better friends, better money, better clothes, and -- a better world? Peace? No! They want to be better than everyone else. I'm not going to play into that anymore. I'm taking a different route.
If you don't mind me saying so, everybody's crazy, nuts.
And they all look so sane. It's very disillusioning. Why put up with it? I think people are like candy bars. A fine sweet coating covers nuts.
I just want you to know I'm trying. Things said now may have an effect later. Little seeds among the weeds. Let me finish...
FLASHBACK NEWS REPORT 7
Gloria in Studio; Holly and others at U.N.
GLORIA: Let's go live to the United Nations, our correspondent, Holly Ivy. Holly...
The U.N. room is crowded with protestors who've come to voice their complaints over the North Pole Crisis. Rudy is the leader.
HOLLY: Good evening. Rumors of the settlement have swept down these halls like a janitor on speed
GLORIA: Any major problems, Holly?
HOLLY: Well I must say, Gloria, a few people were here thinking this was an Oliver North poll of some sort.
GLORIA: Must be hectic.
HOLLY: Yes indeed.
GLORIA: What's the feeling of the crowd, Holly?
HOLLY: Let's see. (She turns toward Rudy) Excuse me sir,what do you think about this major compromise?
As Holly sticks the mic into Rudy's face, lights out on studio set.
RUDY: Stop trying to reinvent the wheel. Adjust it, yes, but don't try too many other angles other than what's been going on, or you won't go on.
Sure people want a square deal. But have you ever tried to roll along on a square wheel?
Protesters agree.
HOLLY: (to Protestor 1)What do you see happening?
PROTESTOR 1: Change is just a realignment of the ingredients that have already been in existence. Nothing's new, though we try to kid ourselves. This whole idea of new awareness stinks. No toy soldiers, no bow and arrows, no guns, all taboo now. Instead we have computer versions of the same damn thing. That's progress?
Protesters agree.
HOLLY:(to 2) And you?
PROTESTOR 2: I agree! It's like the issue of not using sugar to make candy. Nutra-sweet. Instead of dental cavities the kid's'll get liver cavities. Remember the powder formulas that were supposed to modernize our child rearing? Now most of those children have allergies. Remember asbestos? Modern mania madness.
Protesters agree.
HOLLY:(to 3) What's your view?
PROTESTOR 3: Each generation tries to flush the previous one away.
We're not toilets! I was thinking, the laws are there to protect me. Right?
Protect me from what? From other laws! We're spinning 'round right on down the drain!
We're promised champagne and we get draino!
Protesters applaud.
RUDY: We're killing off all of our uniqueness. There's
sameness, all cities are looking alike. All these divergent cultures are
making one big pot of overbearing mush. I want to puke. Christmas cleanses
the imagination, puts a sense of magic in the air. Don't smother it.
PROTESTER #1: Besides, the only time my family gets along is at Christmas time.
Need I say any more? Don't take that away.
Protesters applaud.
HOLLY:(to PROTESTOR #1) If you were a North Polean, which country would sway your way?
PROTESTOR #1: Well, Canada's got national health care. So I'd encourage that.
PROTESTOR #2: To hell with them all!
PROTESTOR #3: Not all tradition’s bad – and not all compromise is good.
Protesters applaud.
HOLLY: Gloria, here's the Secretary General!
Secretary General Inexelsisdeo arrives at the podium. Apprehensive, Inexelsisdeo carries a stone tablet with the new resolution. He posts a picture of a reindeer on the podium.
HOLLY: Gloria, I see the settlement is forthcoming.
THE ANNOUNCEMENT
SEC.GENERAL: Good evening. After great contemplation the U.N.
Security Council has reached an agreement and hopefully a resolution of the North Pole Crisis. Therefore: U.N. Resolution twelve twenty-five, Reindeer Ratification, is as follows:(Inexelsisdeo clears throat, reads the list)
Dasher, Dancer, Einar, Pierre; Sonia, Gretle, Amos, and Matsuko.
Crowd is disappointed.
RUDY: That doesn't even rhyme!
SEC.GENERAL: This will include: Four female and four male.
Eight nationalities.
Crowd grows discontented, hisses.
SEC.GENERAL: We've got a white, black, red, yellow, brown, tan, olive, and buff team.
Crowd starts sporadic booing.
SEC.GENERAL: (waits til noise dies down) The Team will include:
Two gays, two bisexuals, two heterosexuals, and two eunuch’s.
CROWD: Boo!
SEC.GENERAL: Exclusively sponsored to drink Minute Maid, wear Nike, eat MacDonald’s, pose for Kodak, and ride around in a Chrysler cab. Smoke signals courtesy of Phillip Morris.
CROWD: This is crazy!
SEC.GENERAL: And after great consideration, the driver will be --
(there's a marked hush in the room) Mohammed.
CROWD: Mo--what!?
SEC GENERAL: A world class team. Thank you.
RUDY: But it'll never fly!
SEC GENERAL: I'm sorry.
RUDY: U. N. is right! I am UNhappy and UNinspired. This is UNwise.
No wonder drugs are so popular, our imaginations have been bushwacked!
(Crowd is frenzied)
Christmas let's us fly! Christmas let's us fly! ...
CROWD: (joining the chant) Christmas let's us fly!...
The crowd chanting "Christmas let's us fly!" pushes toward Inexelsisdeo. The chanting continues and swells. Inexelsisdeo screams as if being attacked. All disappear behind curtain. Sound and lights fade.
SANTA:(sighs) Thanks for listening. Sorry if I bored you with my troubles. Are you warm enough?(Standing) They don't want me, fine. I slimmed down and everything. Weight proportionate to height, the whole bit. Walk instead of fly. I even look like the North Pole. What for? I've had it. From now on instead of giving a present I'm going to be a living present, open me if you'd like. In the meantime, let's go get some Ovaltine or whatever it is you drink. What's your name?
CHILD: J C.
SANTA: Well, Jessie --
CHILD: J. C.
SANTA: Well J C .... Come on, let's hit up some of these shoppers for some spare change -- they owe us.
They walk hand in hand. Two homeless innocents.
Murmurs of "Santa" start filling the room. He tries to ignore it,
but the sounds haunt him. Santa acts as if he's going out of his mind.
SANTA: Don’t let them get me!
The Child disappears. Santa starts running trying to escape, runs behind curtain.
The "Santa" chanting gets louder and more chaotic, more surreal.
Lights fade as "Santa" gets louder and more intense.
The CURTAIN opens.
THE NORTH POLE
Santa is sleeping in his chair. His legs are making the motion of running.
Rudy has been trying to wake him, calling "Santa."
Santa awakes with a start, for a second he fears the worst, then realizes he's been dreaming. He lets out an optimistic belly laugh.
SANTA: Oh oh oh ...! Santa just had a nightmare. Ho ho ho...
I'm not going to diet anymore. (He shakes his belly.)
RUDY: It's time Santa.
Rudy waits eagerly for Santa to take charge.
SANTA: Let's go my wonderful reindeer! (Santa grabs the reins.)
Rudy circles once around Santa, then disappears, pulling a jolly Santa on his merry way.
SANTA: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas Eve to all! And to all, hi, hi, hi!
Christmas lets us fly, fly, fly!! ...
CURTAIN
The North Pole Crisis, © 1990 by John Kirkmire, 2013 Kirkworkshop. All rights reserved
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