excerpt from Idiot Savant
At the gym Grace mentions she’s going out this morning for her favorite pumpkin pancakes! at Fat Apple.
I’m not sure why she’s telling me this. I ask, “Why don’t you make them, yourself?”
“Me? Cook!?” she says with sweet deprecating humor that is as attractive as she.
For the next couple of days I’m home with a flu of sorts and time to fill.
“Me? Cook!?” keeps going off. It’s funny and it starts me thinking along those lines....
****************************************************************************************
HOW TO MAKE PUMPKIN PANCAKES (FOR THOSE WHO DON’T COOK)
Narrated by Martha Stewart
First of all, you’ll have to be able to locate your kitchen.
Generally speaking, it’s near the area of your home where you might be eating the take-out food.
Next, you’ll probably want to wear protective clothing because an activated kitchen tends to produce messes.
An extra-large non-flammable tee-shirt will be sufficient.
Another consideration is the timing. You’ll want to calculate your hunger quotient thirty minutes in advance at the beginning of the final phase of the pumpkin pancake project. Think of it as waiting in line for a table, except the line is you producing the meal.
Once you’ve located the kitchen you’ll notice a rather large and awkward vertical container, usually white, about human height with the girth of a casket. This is a refrigerator. Normally these storage units come with the kitchen, but they don’t come filled. So pre-planning becomes necessary.
Unfortunately Web-van is no longer an option for busy people such as your self so a trip to the grocery store is in order. Groceries? Groceries are things that people use to feed themselves; they form the main ingredients for a do-it-yourself at-home restaurant. Look for the words ‘Grocery’ or ‘Food’ on the store window display because establishments such as Saks and Macy’s will not work this time.
At the grocery/food store you will be buying eggs – these are things that you might have come across at some social brunch – often they appear as white slimy things with a yellow eyeball. These come prepackaged in oval shell casings and are sold in groups of six, twelve, or eighteen. Be sure to check the dates. Plan ahead. Expired eggs will explode eventually.
Next is the milk. The store doesn’t sell milk by the glass like your favorite restaurants do, so you’ll have to buy a ‘carton’, which is a waxed cardboard container that holds the white liquid calcium substance. Milk also comes in various sizes. A gallon is recommended; the portion not used for cooking can be added very effectively to your beauty bath. Please note that milk is sold with varying degrees of fat content; for fluffy pancakes buttermilk works well (high in fat); if you use non-fat milk your pancakes will die in the batter. Your choice.
With breakfast cooking it’s best to ‘think white’: Eggs, milk, Martha Stewart, baking soda (not a drink), baking powder (not a cosmetic), flour (notice the spelling) and sugar.
Procuring the pumpkin slices and spices may be a problem. Don’t be afraid to ask the store clerks for help -- they are there to serve you; clerks are like waiters but you don’t have to tip, just be nice.
Don’t forget to place the milk and eggs in the refrigerator – make sure it’s plugged in too. Or tummy aches will ruin the day.
Food production not only requires some time, but also intuitive maneuvering. Remember patience, persistence and perseverance will lead the way to the successes of tomorrow.
Now, locate the pots, pans, dishes and utensils. For the pumpkin pancake project you’ll need a measuring cup, a tea spoon (little mouth utensil), table spoon (big mouth utensil), mixing spoon (loud mouth weapon), and a mixing bowl (all the ingredients will end up in here so make sure it’s large enough or there will be catastrophic problems). These are friends you can use as you please. Once you’ve laid out all of these friends, these instruments for this delicate operation, place the non-refrigerated ingredients close by. Take a good look because this orderly arrangement will be in direct contrast to the aftermath of its use.
You’ll need one large frying pan (it’s a flat round metallic unit with concave sides that is controlled by a long handle; the mixture will go into this to get cooked.).
Next, you must locate the stove. Some things to look for: it’s boxy, belly-button high, usually white, almost always in the kitchen; generally speaking it has four pods of various sizes on top. These circular pods are controlled by buttons or dials that turn the pods into wire-fires, so be careful, or be sorry.
It might help to do a cooking run-through. Try. Place the frying pan on one of the pods, find the pod control and turn it on high. Put a little cooking oil (bath and body oil won’t work) in the pan to coat the bottom so that the batter will not stick to the surface. Spit into the pan. Saliva sizzle will tell you it’s ready.
Look around you. It’s like Christmas, the utensils are the tree; the ingredients are the decorations. And if you follow directions in a goodly way, your present will be coming soon.
By now the smoke detector has gone off and ended that daydream. Remove the smoking pan and place it in the sink under cold water. Go ahead and open the windows then turn off the pod. If the alarm doesn’t stop use one of your new friends to whack it with.
The anticipation will have you glowing with positive and attractive energy. Your affair of the kitchen has begun. A kitchen, a stove, a refrigerator, cupboards – who would’ve thought? With the ingredients all laid out and waiting – it’s such a turn on. Go to the gym, pump some iron. Build up an appetite, wake those endorphins, get your body on equal terms with your mind. Don’t forget the aerobic training – wouldn’t want you collapsing into the pumpkin pancake batter at the climax of the cooking extravaganza.
Now do it. Home. Kitchen.
Leave your workout clothes on. It doesn’t matter. Dive right into all of the previous preparatory steps.
Indulge.
Measure. Mix. Batter. Cook.
Sure, the first six or seven are garbage. But then it happens. The perfect pancake*, then another, and another. You’ve salvaged a short stack of three – more than enough, especially added to the batter you ate during the process due to the slight miscalculation of your hunger quotient.
You’ll be on the phone the rest of the day telling everyone about your kitchen affair and its possibilities. Your own pancake house. Has anybody ever thought of banana pancakes? you wonder. Maybe you loved your other job before, but now this. Major reassessment.
Use the energy overflow to clean up the gargantuan mess and begin the pre-planning of more meals. Maybe even sharing some. The possibilities! Now the pride and joy of creation is yours forever. Life is wonderful absolutely, especially in the kitchen.
So says Martha.
******************************************************************************************
Grace is sitting on a gym bench as I approach with the envelope.
She looks worried in a cute way, “This isn’t going to upset me, is it?”
“No.” I assure her, “it’s just pancake stuff.”
She looks puzzled.
“You know who Martha Stewart is?” She nods her head and looks in the envelope.
“Don’t worry, you’ll like it.” I smile and leave. The story is like a first date. I enjoyed it. Now it's her turn.
All day I keep expecting her to email. But the day passes, and another, and another. Meanwhile, I’m getting sicker. Today, Sunday, I end up at Kaiser to get antibiotics and codeine. Shouldn’t have gone to the gym.
HOW TO LOSE A POTENTIAL GIRLFRIEND IN ONE EASY LESSON: Find something that she likes (for instance, pumpkin pancakes) and combine that with something that she’s doesn’t like (let’s say cooking) and proceed to write a satire on it. Wait’ll she reads this. You even leave her your email address so she can contact you before dropping dead from laughter. You check that email account often. You ponder what other kinds of humorous replies you can come up with when responding to her upcoming appreciative email. And check, and check, and check. You start to wonder if you wrote down your email address correctly. But the hours, then the days go by. You calculate the odds of you writing your email address incorrectly, then of her responding incorrectly; the odds are: One in Oblivion. Doesn’t matter how clever or witty it seemed because of course it’s still a laughable story, except the joke’s on you. And it’s not funny, nor witty, nor clever. A punchline in the kisser. You will never eat pumpkin pancakes.
Sympathetic daughter Lissa, listening to my latest round of almost adult openness, tells me I shouldn’t have given Grace the story. "You don't know her!" She laughs. Kids pass notes all the time -- A little at a time... see what kind of response .... need to know who you're writing to --- A fourteen year old counseling a forty year old. Ha ha, funny story dad.
At the gym Grace mentions she’s going out this morning for her favorite pumpkin pancakes! at Fat Apple.
I’m not sure why she’s telling me this. I ask, “Why don’t you make them, yourself?”
“Me? Cook!?” she says with sweet deprecating humor that is as attractive as she.
For the next couple of days I’m home with a flu of sorts and time to fill.
“Me? Cook!?” keeps going off. It’s funny and it starts me thinking along those lines....
****************************************************************************************
HOW TO MAKE PUMPKIN PANCAKES (FOR THOSE WHO DON’T COOK)
Narrated by Martha Stewart
First of all, you’ll have to be able to locate your kitchen.
Generally speaking, it’s near the area of your home where you might be eating the take-out food.
Next, you’ll probably want to wear protective clothing because an activated kitchen tends to produce messes.
An extra-large non-flammable tee-shirt will be sufficient.
Another consideration is the timing. You’ll want to calculate your hunger quotient thirty minutes in advance at the beginning of the final phase of the pumpkin pancake project. Think of it as waiting in line for a table, except the line is you producing the meal.
Once you’ve located the kitchen you’ll notice a rather large and awkward vertical container, usually white, about human height with the girth of a casket. This is a refrigerator. Normally these storage units come with the kitchen, but they don’t come filled. So pre-planning becomes necessary.
Unfortunately Web-van is no longer an option for busy people such as your self so a trip to the grocery store is in order. Groceries? Groceries are things that people use to feed themselves; they form the main ingredients for a do-it-yourself at-home restaurant. Look for the words ‘Grocery’ or ‘Food’ on the store window display because establishments such as Saks and Macy’s will not work this time.
At the grocery/food store you will be buying eggs – these are things that you might have come across at some social brunch – often they appear as white slimy things with a yellow eyeball. These come prepackaged in oval shell casings and are sold in groups of six, twelve, or eighteen. Be sure to check the dates. Plan ahead. Expired eggs will explode eventually.
Next is the milk. The store doesn’t sell milk by the glass like your favorite restaurants do, so you’ll have to buy a ‘carton’, which is a waxed cardboard container that holds the white liquid calcium substance. Milk also comes in various sizes. A gallon is recommended; the portion not used for cooking can be added very effectively to your beauty bath. Please note that milk is sold with varying degrees of fat content; for fluffy pancakes buttermilk works well (high in fat); if you use non-fat milk your pancakes will die in the batter. Your choice.
With breakfast cooking it’s best to ‘think white’: Eggs, milk, Martha Stewart, baking soda (not a drink), baking powder (not a cosmetic), flour (notice the spelling) and sugar.
Procuring the pumpkin slices and spices may be a problem. Don’t be afraid to ask the store clerks for help -- they are there to serve you; clerks are like waiters but you don’t have to tip, just be nice.
Don’t forget to place the milk and eggs in the refrigerator – make sure it’s plugged in too. Or tummy aches will ruin the day.
Food production not only requires some time, but also intuitive maneuvering. Remember patience, persistence and perseverance will lead the way to the successes of tomorrow.
Now, locate the pots, pans, dishes and utensils. For the pumpkin pancake project you’ll need a measuring cup, a tea spoon (little mouth utensil), table spoon (big mouth utensil), mixing spoon (loud mouth weapon), and a mixing bowl (all the ingredients will end up in here so make sure it’s large enough or there will be catastrophic problems). These are friends you can use as you please. Once you’ve laid out all of these friends, these instruments for this delicate operation, place the non-refrigerated ingredients close by. Take a good look because this orderly arrangement will be in direct contrast to the aftermath of its use.
You’ll need one large frying pan (it’s a flat round metallic unit with concave sides that is controlled by a long handle; the mixture will go into this to get cooked.).
Next, you must locate the stove. Some things to look for: it’s boxy, belly-button high, usually white, almost always in the kitchen; generally speaking it has four pods of various sizes on top. These circular pods are controlled by buttons or dials that turn the pods into wire-fires, so be careful, or be sorry.
It might help to do a cooking run-through. Try. Place the frying pan on one of the pods, find the pod control and turn it on high. Put a little cooking oil (bath and body oil won’t work) in the pan to coat the bottom so that the batter will not stick to the surface. Spit into the pan. Saliva sizzle will tell you it’s ready.
Look around you. It’s like Christmas, the utensils are the tree; the ingredients are the decorations. And if you follow directions in a goodly way, your present will be coming soon.
By now the smoke detector has gone off and ended that daydream. Remove the smoking pan and place it in the sink under cold water. Go ahead and open the windows then turn off the pod. If the alarm doesn’t stop use one of your new friends to whack it with.
The anticipation will have you glowing with positive and attractive energy. Your affair of the kitchen has begun. A kitchen, a stove, a refrigerator, cupboards – who would’ve thought? With the ingredients all laid out and waiting – it’s such a turn on. Go to the gym, pump some iron. Build up an appetite, wake those endorphins, get your body on equal terms with your mind. Don’t forget the aerobic training – wouldn’t want you collapsing into the pumpkin pancake batter at the climax of the cooking extravaganza.
Now do it. Home. Kitchen.
Leave your workout clothes on. It doesn’t matter. Dive right into all of the previous preparatory steps.
Indulge.
Measure. Mix. Batter. Cook.
Sure, the first six or seven are garbage. But then it happens. The perfect pancake*, then another, and another. You’ve salvaged a short stack of three – more than enough, especially added to the batter you ate during the process due to the slight miscalculation of your hunger quotient.
You’ll be on the phone the rest of the day telling everyone about your kitchen affair and its possibilities. Your own pancake house. Has anybody ever thought of banana pancakes? you wonder. Maybe you loved your other job before, but now this. Major reassessment.
Use the energy overflow to clean up the gargantuan mess and begin the pre-planning of more meals. Maybe even sharing some. The possibilities! Now the pride and joy of creation is yours forever. Life is wonderful absolutely, especially in the kitchen.
So says Martha.
******************************************************************************************
Grace is sitting on a gym bench as I approach with the envelope.
She looks worried in a cute way, “This isn’t going to upset me, is it?”
“No.” I assure her, “it’s just pancake stuff.”
She looks puzzled.
“You know who Martha Stewart is?” She nods her head and looks in the envelope.
“Don’t worry, you’ll like it.” I smile and leave. The story is like a first date. I enjoyed it. Now it's her turn.
All day I keep expecting her to email. But the day passes, and another, and another. Meanwhile, I’m getting sicker. Today, Sunday, I end up at Kaiser to get antibiotics and codeine. Shouldn’t have gone to the gym.
HOW TO LOSE A POTENTIAL GIRLFRIEND IN ONE EASY LESSON: Find something that she likes (for instance, pumpkin pancakes) and combine that with something that she’s doesn’t like (let’s say cooking) and proceed to write a satire on it. Wait’ll she reads this. You even leave her your email address so she can contact you before dropping dead from laughter. You check that email account often. You ponder what other kinds of humorous replies you can come up with when responding to her upcoming appreciative email. And check, and check, and check. You start to wonder if you wrote down your email address correctly. But the hours, then the days go by. You calculate the odds of you writing your email address incorrectly, then of her responding incorrectly; the odds are: One in Oblivion. Doesn’t matter how clever or witty it seemed because of course it’s still a laughable story, except the joke’s on you. And it’s not funny, nor witty, nor clever. A punchline in the kisser. You will never eat pumpkin pancakes.
Sympathetic daughter Lissa, listening to my latest round of almost adult openness, tells me I shouldn’t have given Grace the story. "You don't know her!" She laughs. Kids pass notes all the time -- A little at a time... see what kind of response .... need to know who you're writing to --- A fourteen year old counseling a forty year old. Ha ha, funny story dad.