WHAT TO DO ON A RAINY DAY
The moment when an imaginative life is almost too rewarding --
when it pours awards and it rains fifteen minutes of fame
Characters:
Jann
The Visitors, awards presenters:
A, brings certificate
B, brings trophy
C, brings grant
D, brings star
E, brings silver cup
F, brings super bowl, sack of money
G, brings medal
H, brings plaques
I, brings crown
Narrator
Jann and Vistors can be male or female, any age.
props:
STAGE: chair, phone (& stand);
VISITOR PROPS: scroll; trophy; placard check for $2.50; box with gold stars (one small, one large); silver cup; large 'super' bowl; ribbon / medal with case, briefcase with plaque frames made from cutout covers of major magazines (leave opening in middle for Jann's face); sealed envelop with card inside,
crown, bouquet, and misc. adornments; bulging sack of paper money.
Set can be bare stage -- a single chair center stage, a phone (and stand);
or set can be a fully furnished scene of choice.
WHAT TO DO ON A RAINY DAY
Sound of rain. Curtain opens.
Late afternoon. Jann sits in a chair pondering the rain.
As visitors arrive Jann receives numerous rewards for a subtle life well lived.
Presenters arrive wearing rain gear over formal attire representing their particular type of award.
All awards relate to Jann's activities that day.
A chair at center stage, a phone and stand SR nearby.
Visitors will enter from unseen door SL.
Alone on stage seated in chair, Jann listens to the rain.
Jann is someone who could use a break.
NARRATOR: This unsuspecting, unassuming individual is about to become a victim of the "When it rains, it pours awards" phenomenon: The moment when an imaginative life is almost too rewarding.
Jann is humming "Sing in’ in the Rain"
A knock on the door.
JANN: I wonder who that could be on such a rainy afternoon?
Jann rises reluctantly and goes SL to the unseen door.
JANN: Can I help you?
A:(enters, hands Jann an elaborate scroll) This is for you.
JANN: Me? (unrolls, scans) Jann...
A: The Good Citizen award.
JANN:(startled) Me?
A: Remember that gentleman you gave the right of way to only an hour ago?
JANN: Yes, but --
Jann's not quite sure how to interpret this award.
Phone rings.
JANN: Ah, come in.
A follows JANN inside.
JANN, still amused at the award, crosses SR answers phone.
JANN: Hello? ... yes, this is Jann....pardon me? What?... I've never been to the county fair... My pancakes? A blue ribbon... But -- yes, I guess I'm delighted.
A claps on overhearing the good news.
Jann acknowledges the gesture.
Knock on the door.
JANN: Can you hold on? (toward door) Come on in.
B:(enters) Glad I caught you home. Your Jann correct? Have to be sure. This is for you. (hands Jann a large bowling trophy) Congratulations.
A applauds. Jann accepts the trophy very modestly.
JANN: But I hardly even bowl. (to phone) Thanks for waiting. Can you call back a little later? I seem to have a problem here...Thanks again. (hangs up)
A:(to B) Jann just got a Blue Ribbon -- for pancakes.
B impressed, applauds politely.
JANN: (acknowledges A's comment) They were very good this morning. (studying trophy)
B: You hold a trophy well.
JANN: But... the most I've ever rolled was 141.
B: This morning? A personal best?
JANN: Yeah, but 141?
B: Doesn't it feel right?
JANN: Well... I guess so.
B: So enjoy it.
A agrees. Knock on the door.
JANN:(to A and B) I'll be right with you. (goes to door)
C: (enters) Jann, I presume?
JANN: Yes. Come in out of the rain.
C:(hands Jann a placard-sized check) I am authorized to give this to you.
JANN: Two dollars and fifty cents?
C: The ArthurMac Foundation Grant. No strings attached. Use it however you want.
A & B applaud.
JANN: But?
C: It's for all of the things you could've done had you the time and the money.
JANN: But for me?
C: You're a nice person.
JANN: This is incredible.
Phone rings. A B C lean in to hear Jann on phone.
JANN: Hello?.... Me? For what?... A doctorate? An honorary doctorate? For?....
Of course. Sure. Bye. (hangs up) Wow.
A B C applaud.
JANN: I'm getting a degree for life experience. I didn't even apply.
A: You've already applied yourself, I'm sure.
B & C agree. Jann tries to sort these events out.
JANN: Now about these honors --
Phone rings.
JANN: Excuse me. (answers phone apprehensively) Yes... Speaking... For what? (To others) It's the Pewitzer Committee.
A B C listen carefully.
JANN:(continues on phone). .. but I haven't really written anything yet... When did that start?.. Well, O K then. Thanks and good day to you too.
(hangs up. To A B C:) Wow again. I'm getting an award for a book I might write.
A B C applaud.
JANN: Some kind of new policy. Wow!
A: That's positive pre-enforcement.
Knock on the door.
JANN: Could one of you get it please. (sits)
A B C all go to the door. In enters D.
D:(to Jann) You must be Jann. This is for you.
JANN:(aside) What is it now?
D: Special delivery.
D gives Jann a box. Jann opens box, looks inside.
JANN: A Star!
Jann displays the big gold star. Visitors are quite impressed.
JANN: But there's no name on it.
D: Not yet. (winks at Jann)
D elbows the others into readily agreeing.
D: Your own star. One for the walk of life -- (places star at Jann's feet) . And --
(D takes a smaller star and pins it on Jann) -- one for protecting your integrity.
VISITORS:(salute) Integrity.
Visitors applaud.
E enters as Visitors talk among themselves.
A: To think it all began with a good citizenship award.
B: No, it's the bowling.
C: Hardly. A sizable grant makes all of the difference.
D: Everyone needs to have a star.
A B C D argue.
JANN: Please don't ruin this. Let's be good sports about it.
E:(energetically, approaches Jann) I heard the commotion. You must be Jann, of course.(extends Cup) This is for you -- The Breeders Cup!
VISITORS: Ooo...
JANN: I appreciate this but -- for what?
E whispers in Jann's ear. Other Visitors try not to listen but the temptation is too great. They strain to hear.
JANN: Pardon me?
E whispers in Jann's ear again.
JANN: Sex?
Visitors react, smirk in appreciation, echo "sex". Jann's still mystified.
E: You like it, don't you?
Jann nods, slow but enthusiastic.
E: Well... (hands Cup to Jann, a willing recipient)
VISITORS: Ahh...
JANN: I never would've guessed.
Visitors applaud. F enters.
F: Jann, baby! The Professional Sports Association would like to extend it's appreciation for your appreciation by giving you your own -- Super Bowl! (displays big shiny bowl)
JANN: But --
F: But nothing. You give 'em Cheer. You support them, they'll support you from now on.
You're a FANtastic person.
Visitors agree and cheer Jann.
F: Wait, wait, wait...
JANN: There's more?
F: They're going to give you one one-billionth percent of sporting fees today, your day! I'll bring the truck around back! ...(exits)
JANN: Oh, gosh.
VISITORS: Don't worry Jann, we'll help.
Phone rings. Knock on the door.
JANN:(overdosed with awards, Jann is stunned) I can't. Help.
A answers phone. B goes to door. C & D admire their recipient, JANN.
E kneels and polishes bowl.
A: (on phone) Jann's residence... Oh, I'm sure Jann'll be glad to hear that.
Not that it's unexpected mind you.
(covers phone to inform Jann) It's from Sweden. Guess what?
Jann is distracted as G enters with B.
JANN: (aside) Who is this nice person and what is the purpose of the visit?
G: Ah, you must be Jann. I am honored to give you this on behalf of the United States of America.
JANN: Yes?
G: (opens case, displays) The Presidential Medal of Dreamdom.
Visitors applaud.
JANN: Dreamdom?
G: The dreamdom to enjoy a day like today.
JANN:(aside) It really pays to vote.
G: It sure does.
JANN: Just put it over there. (points to phone stand)
B:(explaining to G) I'm afraid Jann's a little overwhelmed right now.
C: It's no wonder with a day like this.
A: (reminding everyone) Hey, I'm on long distance here.
H:(enters with briefcase, cross to Jann) I've only a minute.
But this is for you, Jann. Economist of the year!
JANN: But I don't sell anything.
H: It's for all of those coupon clippings. You saved two dollars and fifty-five cents today!
Visitors applaud. "That's our Jann!".
JANN: And I thought no one noticed.
H: Not only did we notice -- but your life is being thoroughly covered.
(opens briefcase) Check it out!
H places cut-out covers of magazines over Jann's deserving face. Time, Newsweek, Sports Ills….
Others applaud each cover that frames this marvelous person.
A: I've really got something important to say --
They are about to pay attention to A but there's a knock, a terrific knock, an all-eyes-turn-to-see knock. Lights go out. A drum roll. Spot comes on SL as I enters.
I:(enters) And the winner is ---
(ALL anticipate as I opens envelop) -- Jann!!
(sings) "Here Jann is Mz. America, la la la la..."
I continues singing and puts crown, bouquet and other adornments on Jann.
The Visitors are wonderfully impressed.
A resumes phone call.
JANN: These are liberal times.
A: Stop the music! Everyone listen up --
ALL stop.
A: -- Jann has won -- THE NOBLE!
VISITORS:(except A) For what?
A: (calmly) Peach.
ALL jump in a frenzy of excitement.
A:(puts phone to Jann's head) Do you accept?
JANN:(hesitates, into phone) I suppose so.
A: Jann supposes so! What a noble person! (hangs up phone)
JANN:(rationalizing) I was feeling peachy-keen.
B: And that is inspiring!
Visitors congratulate Jann. Phone rings. A answers.
A: It's McDisney. They want you to do a commercial!
Visitors sing : "You deserve a break today, la la la la la la...--"
JANN:(rises, completely overwhelmed) Oh god, I need a break.
Maybe I need a break. Do you mind?
A:(to phone) Jann'll get back to ya. (hangs up)
JANN: I need a break...
VISITORS: That's for sure.
Phone rings. Door knocks. Visitors blare out the OlympicFanfare--
“da, da, da-da, da, da, da….” The cacophony is too much for poor Jann.
JANN: No more.
VISITORS: (stop the fanfare, shout to the door) Jann's not home!
A: (answers phone) Wrong number. (A winks at Jann; disconnects the phone)
ALL are relieved.
JANN: Thanks.(falls back down) Oh, my heart...
VISITORS: That's where it all starts!
F enters SR dragging in a bulging sack of money, crossing to Jann.
VISITORS:(to F) Jann doesn't need that.
JANN: (apologizing to F) Sorry...
F: No problemo.
VISITORS: Anything else we can do?
JANN: Would mind clearing these things for the time being?
VISITORS: We'd be honored.
VISITORS put all the awards in the sack quickly, politely congratulate Jann one last time
JANN:(wiping tears away) Thanks for everything.
VISITORS start a respectful exodus SL, complete with a somewhat muted ad-lib adoration of Jann ...
JANN:(yawns) I just need a break, a little break, that's all, just a little bity teeny-weeny break...
VISITORS stop next to exit.
JANN: Yes, what is it?
VISITORS throw him a big group kiss.
Jann throws them a kiss.
VISITORS: (reacting as if they've just been given a divine blessing) Ahh... (they melt away, exit.)
Once again, Jann is alone in the same position as in the beginning.
Pause. Silence, except for rain.
NARRATOR: And this my friends, my lovely, wonderful friends, this could be you. Depending on -- the weather.
Rain becomes thunderous applause as curtain closes
-- end --
"What To Do On A Rainy Day" from Playbook ©1988 by John Kirkmire, All rights reserved