THE WISEST MAN IN THE WORLD
by John Kirkmire
Belle is a happy, energetic spinster with a big secret she shares with Charlie, her lifelong playmate/phantom, companion and best friend. They have gotten old together. Life together is going along fine until Belle’s childhood friend, Eleanor stops by for a visit and causes a bit of unrest with the wisest man in the world.
Characters:
BELLE, a spunky, contented woman
CHARLIE, Belle’s lifelong companion
ELEANOR, Belle’s childhood friend
place: Belle’s living room
time: 1988
THE WISEST MAN IN THE WORLD As curtain opens Charlie is hidden beneath a shawl while resting comfortably in chair to the right of a small circular phone table. A second matching chair to the left of the table waits silently for Belle. She’s been cleaning but was interrupted by an unexpected phone call. Belle is standing behind table talking on the phone.
BELLE: Yes, all right... though I’m busy at the moment… Of course by myself…I said all right…see you soon.
She hangs up phone and continues cleaning. She pulls the cover off chair revealing Charlie who has been reading Life magazine. During the following dialogue she will continue to cleaning using sprays, rags and polish, cleaning both the furniture and Charlie.
CHARLIE: (skimming magazine) They don’t know why they’re living anymore than we do. Young people expect us to have the answers – (he extends cane to look like ?) and here we are marching around with our questions marks.
BELLE: It’s not very fair. (she cleans cane)
CHARLIE: I figure people are wrong 49% of the time. It’s all trial and error to find an answer; occupations occupy time, working and slaving for some kind of identity that you eventually lose anyway. Separate me from you and you from me and they from we and we from they (sings) me me me…
BELLE: (mockingly in Charlie’s voice) We’re prisoner’s serving life’s terms.
CHARLIE: Belle, please. I’ve lived longer than you and I can see how futile it all is. Let them pound out their personalized license plates and stomp one another in the process. We’ll stay out of the way.
BELLE: (mocking again) Yes, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Belle! Respect is a dead art form --(Belle mimes Charlie’s words behind his back) Something you get after you die.
BELLE: Yes, Charlie.
CHARLIE: (pointing to article) Look at this! Bibble babble, dribble drabble,
Wee wee wup wup woo!
BELLE: Woo woo yourself. ( sprays his glasses and face) Better?
CHARLIE: Believe me, I’m wise to what’s important and what’s not. Politics, business, sports – doesn’t matter what they say. The form is always better than the content. Meaningless nonsense. Belle, what the hell you doing back there?
BELLE: (exists) Spring cleaning.
CHARLIE: Thank god there’s plastic surgery.
BELLE: (offstage) Why’s that?
CHARLIE: I said, thank god there’s plastic surgery – now these people can look the way they act!
BELLE: (enters) Oh, Charlie.
Belle begins polishing cycle: chairs, table, and of course, Charlie’s hands and cheek…etc.
They continue dialogue.
CHARLIE: We’ve seen great strides in medicine but it hasn’t made life easier or happier. Do you realize life expectancy has doubled in our own life time? We’re living longer(points to magazine) but they’re reaking out --
BELLE: Freaking out.
CHARLIE: -- earlier. These people don’t have friends, they have therapists. Instead of having children they’re HAVING children. Look at those depressing milk cartons. I’m getting so I hate milk.
BELLE: Some of those kids have been stolen by their parent.
CHARLIE: By their divorced parent.
BELLE: Modern romance.
CHARLIE: You know what I think about ‘romance’?
BELLE: Yes, I do. (She dabs some Pinesol beneath his earlobe; she breathes in the spring-like fragrance) Romance.
CHARLIE: I used to think that ‘romance’ was a lunacy you got from ants coming out of Rome. Romance – rome/ants – romance. But that’s –
BELLE: (finishes his all too familiar speech) -- That’s Catholicism. Ha ha.
CHARLIE: Get It? Rome / ants – romance – Catholicism.
BELLE: I got it the first time. Fifty years ago.
CHARLIE: Am I repeating myself?
BELLE: Your self and a few others. I need a break (she sits, sips a beer)
CHARLIE: So few things are original. Shakespeare lifted all of his plots.
The secret is in the delivery.
BELLE: (mumbles) Oh, deliver me.
CHARLIE: What was that? Well, you know by now what I think about religion and romance.
(Belle mutters along word for word) If it’s not the priests, it’s the damn poets spreading all this insanity.
(Belle stops, takes drink) Religion and romance. If I was Noah –
BELLE: -- that pair wouldn’t get onboard. Oh, Charlie-wharlie.
CHARLIE: I’d rather go fishing myself. But, throw a line into the river today, you catch cancer.
BELLE: (she starts mending shawl) I remember you used to beg me for a date, then beg me for a kiss, then beg me for -- (knock on door)
CHARLIE: (rises) It wasn’t me – it was the hormones. (slowly moves toward door)
BELLE: Well, you certainly moaned
CHARLIE: We’re closest when I moan. (another knock)
CHARLIE: I’ll get it (exits)
Pause. Charlie returns.
BELLE: Well?
CHARLIE: March of Dimes.
BELLE: And?
CHARLIE: I gave her a dime…(sits, resumes reading) She laughs and says she’ll take a check or credit card. What’s this world coming to? If she thinks I’m going to write a check for ten cents she’s been marching way too long. (knock on door) Don’t bother, I’ll get it.
(to door again)
BELLE: You need the exercise. (She inspects the repaired shawl)
CHARLIE: (returns, upset) Next time you answer the door.
BELLE: Well?
CHARLIE: Well what? You want the Encyclopedia Britannica for five thousand dollars?
BELLE: No.
CHARLIE: I didn’t think so. (he sits back down)
BELLE: I have you. (shawl is finished, she places it securely on his lap)
What does the wisest man in the world think of this?
CHARILE: Worth a billion buckaroos.
BELLE: The richest, smartest, handsomest men will never know such comfort.
CHARLIE: Fame and fortune are there for those who need it. It’s all ego. Like a –
BELLE: -- Bouncing ball. (knock on door. Belle starts darning socks)
CHARLIE: -- whatever goes up must come down. (as if watching a ball bounce in slow motion)
The higher the peak, the greater the fall. All answer to the law of gravity.
Life ends with gravity– that’s why they’re called –
BELLE: Graves.
CHARLIE: Exactly, my dear. There’s that great equalizer –
TOGETHER: Death.
CHARLIE: The more the possessions, the more the processions. the greater the distance from your true self.
BELLE: Yes, Charlie.
CHARLIE: (yawns) Nothing wrong with being the wisest man in the world only, is there?
BELLE: Certainly not.
CHARLIE: I am the wisest man in the world (pats chest proudly) because you, Belle, are the greatest woman in the universe. (there's another knock on door) (falling asleep) Take a bow, dear..
Belle bows as knocking continues, intensifies.
CHARLIE: (mutters) Sounds like a storm. (he falls asleep)
She rises toward door, exits.
Pause.
Eleanor enters. She is oblivious to Charlie.
BELLE: Come on in.
ELEANOR: Really, Belle. I get so worried when you don’t answer the door.
BELLE: I was cleaning.
Eleanor goes to sit in Charlie’s chair but Belle intercepts her –
BELLE: (pointing to her own chair) Why don’t you sit here. I was just finishing up this shawl.
ELEANOR: (loudly) Well, why didn’t you come to the door sooner?
Been knocking for five minutes!
BELLE: (shouts back) I assure you it’s not my hearing.
ELEANOR: When no one answered I started to leave but I kept hearing you.
BELLE: Maybe it’s not my hearing problem, but yours. (resumes normal tone)
Thanks for caring, but really Eleanor, I’m fine. Spring cleaning. (she continues cleaning)
ELEANOR: Ah, spring again. Time to clear the closets. (smells cleaners)
That scent. ‘member how we used to play in the closet?
These smells make me feel like a little girl again. You know what I mean?
BELLE: Of course
ELEANOR: ‘ member how we used to play house – (laughs) You were so serious about it!
BELLE: All right.
ELEANOR: But you, Belle, you were so good at it.
CHARLIE: (half awake) Let’s tell her.
BELLE: (to Charlie) Not now.
ELEANOR: Hey, now your house is spotless. I’m surprised you never married.
(continues laughing) And that – what was his name – Charlie?
BELLE: Please, that’s enough.
ELEANOR: I can’t help it! You almost had me believing!
CHARLIE: What’s she saying?
BELLE: (to Charlie) Please, not now. (to Eleanor) It’s really not that funny.
ELEANOR: Your “wisest man in the world”! ha ha…
CHARLIE: Belle, what’s she cackling about?
ELEANOR: Ah, those days were so much fun. So much imagination. Where did it all go?
BELLE: I think it’s time to go.
ELEANOR: All right, I’ll stop. ( a few final chuckles, picks up phone) May I? I’ve got to report to His Majesty. (dials) All these years of living alone with only your own problems – I tell you … (she begins silent, animated, irritating conversation on phone)
CHARLIE:( Looks at El with disdain, then shouts out to Belle) Tell her about my declining health or the time I lost my job or the time we went over the falls in a barrel – tell her, Belle – like hasn’t been a cupcake exactly!
BELLE: (Crosses to Charlie) Let’s be polite now.
ELEANOR: ( pauses from phone) Pardon me?
BELLE: Nothing, nothing.
Eleanor resumes phone conversation as before. Belle is putting on her coat.
CHARLIE: (rises indignantly) Belle! Tell her about all the spy work I did and your long vigils waiting by the phone or the window –
ELEANOR: (whispers) Those shall remain our secrets.
CHARLIE: Does she know how many times I’ve been to the moon ? Who uncovered Iran-Contra connection? Who deep throat is?
BELLE: (winks and whispers) I know, And that’s all that matters.
CHARLIE: "You only have your own problems" indeed. Tell her about my enlarged prostate and being screwed out of my pension and social security from working undercover all these years! Yet, I’m still smiling.
BELLE: Shh, it’s ok.
CHARLIE: Thank god I have you. I’m going back to my room till she leaves,
Belle helps Charlie place shawl over his head
ELEANOR: (on phone) At five then…. I said five… Good…Bye (hangs up)
Seems I always come here whenever the domestic bliss turns to blisters.
BELLE: That’s quite all right.
CHARLIE moans underneath shawl.
ELEANOR: (Stands) Okay, we’re off. I envy you. You’re so lucky. (toward door) Men!
BELLE: Men! I know… (pats shawl sweetly) I know.
ELEANOR: (Stops, turns and waits for Belle) Guess no one could ever match up to your wisest man in the world.
BELLE: How true.
They exit together. Belle reappears suddenly, calls across to Charlie
BELLE: I’ll be back by five, sweetie pie. (exits)
CHARLIE: (Points toward door) That’s my baby!
Pause
ELEANOR: (re-enters, deviously) Where’s my glove?
CHARLIE: (mumbles under shawl) Uh-oh.
ELEANOR: (runs toward Belle’s chair) I know you’re here. Quickly, I only have a moment!
She doesn’t suspect a thing! I can’t bare life without you!
She embraces phantom in Belle’s chair. Charlie peeks out from shawl, mystified.
He follows her every move with interest as she hugs the air tightly.
You are simply the greatest … I’ll always be with you, Charles, my love.
Eleanor ends passionate embrace, starts to exit, stops to blow a kiss, “Adieu!”, exits.
CHARLIE: (a bit baffled, slowly turns to audience) What a world…
Charlie resumes his cover. Lights out. Curtain.
The Wisest Man In The World, © 1988 by John Kirkmire, ©2013 Kirkworkshop. All Rights Reserved
return to PLAY page
by John Kirkmire
Belle is a happy, energetic spinster with a big secret she shares with Charlie, her lifelong playmate/phantom, companion and best friend. They have gotten old together. Life together is going along fine until Belle’s childhood friend, Eleanor stops by for a visit and causes a bit of unrest with the wisest man in the world.
Characters:
BELLE, a spunky, contented woman
CHARLIE, Belle’s lifelong companion
ELEANOR, Belle’s childhood friend
place: Belle’s living room
time: 1988
THE WISEST MAN IN THE WORLD As curtain opens Charlie is hidden beneath a shawl while resting comfortably in chair to the right of a small circular phone table. A second matching chair to the left of the table waits silently for Belle. She’s been cleaning but was interrupted by an unexpected phone call. Belle is standing behind table talking on the phone.
BELLE: Yes, all right... though I’m busy at the moment… Of course by myself…I said all right…see you soon.
She hangs up phone and continues cleaning. She pulls the cover off chair revealing Charlie who has been reading Life magazine. During the following dialogue she will continue to cleaning using sprays, rags and polish, cleaning both the furniture and Charlie.
CHARLIE: (skimming magazine) They don’t know why they’re living anymore than we do. Young people expect us to have the answers – (he extends cane to look like ?) and here we are marching around with our questions marks.
BELLE: It’s not very fair. (she cleans cane)
CHARLIE: I figure people are wrong 49% of the time. It’s all trial and error to find an answer; occupations occupy time, working and slaving for some kind of identity that you eventually lose anyway. Separate me from you and you from me and they from we and we from they (sings) me me me…
BELLE: (mockingly in Charlie’s voice) We’re prisoner’s serving life’s terms.
CHARLIE: Belle, please. I’ve lived longer than you and I can see how futile it all is. Let them pound out their personalized license plates and stomp one another in the process. We’ll stay out of the way.
BELLE: (mocking again) Yes, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Belle! Respect is a dead art form --(Belle mimes Charlie’s words behind his back) Something you get after you die.
BELLE: Yes, Charlie.
CHARLIE: (pointing to article) Look at this! Bibble babble, dribble drabble,
Wee wee wup wup woo!
BELLE: Woo woo yourself. ( sprays his glasses and face) Better?
CHARLIE: Believe me, I’m wise to what’s important and what’s not. Politics, business, sports – doesn’t matter what they say. The form is always better than the content. Meaningless nonsense. Belle, what the hell you doing back there?
BELLE: (exists) Spring cleaning.
CHARLIE: Thank god there’s plastic surgery.
BELLE: (offstage) Why’s that?
CHARLIE: I said, thank god there’s plastic surgery – now these people can look the way they act!
BELLE: (enters) Oh, Charlie.
Belle begins polishing cycle: chairs, table, and of course, Charlie’s hands and cheek…etc.
They continue dialogue.
CHARLIE: We’ve seen great strides in medicine but it hasn’t made life easier or happier. Do you realize life expectancy has doubled in our own life time? We’re living longer(points to magazine) but they’re reaking out --
BELLE: Freaking out.
CHARLIE: -- earlier. These people don’t have friends, they have therapists. Instead of having children they’re HAVING children. Look at those depressing milk cartons. I’m getting so I hate milk.
BELLE: Some of those kids have been stolen by their parent.
CHARLIE: By their divorced parent.
BELLE: Modern romance.
CHARLIE: You know what I think about ‘romance’?
BELLE: Yes, I do. (She dabs some Pinesol beneath his earlobe; she breathes in the spring-like fragrance) Romance.
CHARLIE: I used to think that ‘romance’ was a lunacy you got from ants coming out of Rome. Romance – rome/ants – romance. But that’s –
BELLE: (finishes his all too familiar speech) -- That’s Catholicism. Ha ha.
CHARLIE: Get It? Rome / ants – romance – Catholicism.
BELLE: I got it the first time. Fifty years ago.
CHARLIE: Am I repeating myself?
BELLE: Your self and a few others. I need a break (she sits, sips a beer)
CHARLIE: So few things are original. Shakespeare lifted all of his plots.
The secret is in the delivery.
BELLE: (mumbles) Oh, deliver me.
CHARLIE: What was that? Well, you know by now what I think about religion and romance.
(Belle mutters along word for word) If it’s not the priests, it’s the damn poets spreading all this insanity.
(Belle stops, takes drink) Religion and romance. If I was Noah –
BELLE: -- that pair wouldn’t get onboard. Oh, Charlie-wharlie.
CHARLIE: I’d rather go fishing myself. But, throw a line into the river today, you catch cancer.
BELLE: (she starts mending shawl) I remember you used to beg me for a date, then beg me for a kiss, then beg me for -- (knock on door)
CHARLIE: (rises) It wasn’t me – it was the hormones. (slowly moves toward door)
BELLE: Well, you certainly moaned
CHARLIE: We’re closest when I moan. (another knock)
CHARLIE: I’ll get it (exits)
Pause. Charlie returns.
BELLE: Well?
CHARLIE: March of Dimes.
BELLE: And?
CHARLIE: I gave her a dime…(sits, resumes reading) She laughs and says she’ll take a check or credit card. What’s this world coming to? If she thinks I’m going to write a check for ten cents she’s been marching way too long. (knock on door) Don’t bother, I’ll get it.
(to door again)
BELLE: You need the exercise. (She inspects the repaired shawl)
CHARLIE: (returns, upset) Next time you answer the door.
BELLE: Well?
CHARLIE: Well what? You want the Encyclopedia Britannica for five thousand dollars?
BELLE: No.
CHARLIE: I didn’t think so. (he sits back down)
BELLE: I have you. (shawl is finished, she places it securely on his lap)
What does the wisest man in the world think of this?
CHARILE: Worth a billion buckaroos.
BELLE: The richest, smartest, handsomest men will never know such comfort.
CHARLIE: Fame and fortune are there for those who need it. It’s all ego. Like a –
BELLE: -- Bouncing ball. (knock on door. Belle starts darning socks)
CHARLIE: -- whatever goes up must come down. (as if watching a ball bounce in slow motion)
The higher the peak, the greater the fall. All answer to the law of gravity.
Life ends with gravity– that’s why they’re called –
BELLE: Graves.
CHARLIE: Exactly, my dear. There’s that great equalizer –
TOGETHER: Death.
CHARLIE: The more the possessions, the more the processions. the greater the distance from your true self.
BELLE: Yes, Charlie.
CHARLIE: (yawns) Nothing wrong with being the wisest man in the world only, is there?
BELLE: Certainly not.
CHARLIE: I am the wisest man in the world (pats chest proudly) because you, Belle, are the greatest woman in the universe. (there's another knock on door) (falling asleep) Take a bow, dear..
Belle bows as knocking continues, intensifies.
CHARLIE: (mutters) Sounds like a storm. (he falls asleep)
She rises toward door, exits.
Pause.
Eleanor enters. She is oblivious to Charlie.
BELLE: Come on in.
ELEANOR: Really, Belle. I get so worried when you don’t answer the door.
BELLE: I was cleaning.
Eleanor goes to sit in Charlie’s chair but Belle intercepts her –
BELLE: (pointing to her own chair) Why don’t you sit here. I was just finishing up this shawl.
ELEANOR: (loudly) Well, why didn’t you come to the door sooner?
Been knocking for five minutes!
BELLE: (shouts back) I assure you it’s not my hearing.
ELEANOR: When no one answered I started to leave but I kept hearing you.
BELLE: Maybe it’s not my hearing problem, but yours. (resumes normal tone)
Thanks for caring, but really Eleanor, I’m fine. Spring cleaning. (she continues cleaning)
ELEANOR: Ah, spring again. Time to clear the closets. (smells cleaners)
That scent. ‘member how we used to play in the closet?
These smells make me feel like a little girl again. You know what I mean?
BELLE: Of course
ELEANOR: ‘ member how we used to play house – (laughs) You were so serious about it!
BELLE: All right.
ELEANOR: But you, Belle, you were so good at it.
CHARLIE: (half awake) Let’s tell her.
BELLE: (to Charlie) Not now.
ELEANOR: Hey, now your house is spotless. I’m surprised you never married.
(continues laughing) And that – what was his name – Charlie?
BELLE: Please, that’s enough.
ELEANOR: I can’t help it! You almost had me believing!
CHARLIE: What’s she saying?
BELLE: (to Charlie) Please, not now. (to Eleanor) It’s really not that funny.
ELEANOR: Your “wisest man in the world”! ha ha…
CHARLIE: Belle, what’s she cackling about?
ELEANOR: Ah, those days were so much fun. So much imagination. Where did it all go?
BELLE: I think it’s time to go.
ELEANOR: All right, I’ll stop. ( a few final chuckles, picks up phone) May I? I’ve got to report to His Majesty. (dials) All these years of living alone with only your own problems – I tell you … (she begins silent, animated, irritating conversation on phone)
CHARLIE:( Looks at El with disdain, then shouts out to Belle) Tell her about my declining health or the time I lost my job or the time we went over the falls in a barrel – tell her, Belle – like hasn’t been a cupcake exactly!
BELLE: (Crosses to Charlie) Let’s be polite now.
ELEANOR: ( pauses from phone) Pardon me?
BELLE: Nothing, nothing.
Eleanor resumes phone conversation as before. Belle is putting on her coat.
CHARLIE: (rises indignantly) Belle! Tell her about all the spy work I did and your long vigils waiting by the phone or the window –
ELEANOR: (whispers) Those shall remain our secrets.
CHARLIE: Does she know how many times I’ve been to the moon ? Who uncovered Iran-Contra connection? Who deep throat is?
BELLE: (winks and whispers) I know, And that’s all that matters.
CHARLIE: "You only have your own problems" indeed. Tell her about my enlarged prostate and being screwed out of my pension and social security from working undercover all these years! Yet, I’m still smiling.
BELLE: Shh, it’s ok.
CHARLIE: Thank god I have you. I’m going back to my room till she leaves,
Belle helps Charlie place shawl over his head
ELEANOR: (on phone) At five then…. I said five… Good…Bye (hangs up)
Seems I always come here whenever the domestic bliss turns to blisters.
BELLE: That’s quite all right.
CHARLIE moans underneath shawl.
ELEANOR: (Stands) Okay, we’re off. I envy you. You’re so lucky. (toward door) Men!
BELLE: Men! I know… (pats shawl sweetly) I know.
ELEANOR: (Stops, turns and waits for Belle) Guess no one could ever match up to your wisest man in the world.
BELLE: How true.
They exit together. Belle reappears suddenly, calls across to Charlie
BELLE: I’ll be back by five, sweetie pie. (exits)
CHARLIE: (Points toward door) That’s my baby!
Pause
ELEANOR: (re-enters, deviously) Where’s my glove?
CHARLIE: (mumbles under shawl) Uh-oh.
ELEANOR: (runs toward Belle’s chair) I know you’re here. Quickly, I only have a moment!
She doesn’t suspect a thing! I can’t bare life without you!
She embraces phantom in Belle’s chair. Charlie peeks out from shawl, mystified.
He follows her every move with interest as she hugs the air tightly.
You are simply the greatest … I’ll always be with you, Charles, my love.
Eleanor ends passionate embrace, starts to exit, stops to blow a kiss, “Adieu!”, exits.
CHARLIE: (a bit baffled, slowly turns to audience) What a world…
Charlie resumes his cover. Lights out. Curtain.
The Wisest Man In The World, © 1988 by John Kirkmire, ©2013 Kirkworkshop. All Rights Reserved
return to PLAY page